Bond in Review: Diamonds Are Forever

I really like the James Bond franchise. This is part six of a bimonthly, 24-part series of me watching James Bond movies and providing a stream of consciousness style commentary for a given film. I will also rank the movies so stay tuned for that at the bottom of the piece. Our seventh film, Diamonds Are Forever, sees the return of Sean Connery one last time. Again. Connery was paid a bit over a million dollars to come back, nearly one seventh of the budget. The movie, which thankfully didn’t function as a sequel to Goldfinger, was based on the novel of the same name. it is the fourth Fleming novel and was published in 1956.

· Gun barrel that doesn’t look redone for this movie but we have to be happy that it is Connery.

· Last we saw of Sean’s Bond, he was in Japan and wow, he is throwing people through paper walls.

· He is on the hunt for Blofeld, which is great because we just saw this guy’s wife murdered on the direction of Blofeld. Fantastic.

· Lots of humor early on: “hit me.”

· Connery sounds different here — my guess is that he is doing voice work after the fact in a clean studio. The accent is coming through.

· Ahhh, Bond back to physically harming women.

· Well, Blofeld is also Henderson? Or Henderson is Blofeld?

· And no one seems to care about the delicate work of surgeons and the nose.

· How is that revolver going to work in a mud bath? And why does he have it — does he expect trouble? If so, keep a security guard in the room.

· Wow all that mud killed him. Peculiar.

· Connery’s carefree nature with his hands when he says “put your hands up” is awesome

· Lethal scalpel throwing Bond…ok.

· Look Blofeld is killed to avenge the loss of his wife. “Welcome to hell, Blofeld” cannot be the best line you have for killing your greatest nemesis.

· “Diamonds Are Forever” — Shirley Bassey

· EON really did try to get the all-star team back on this movie. Bassey singing, Guy Hamilton directing, Ken Adams set

· Bond looking utterly bored was acting…and probably indicative of how he felt on set.

· Blofeld is dead and KILLED HIS WIFE and M is acting as if Bond hasn’t been working and just wasting his time. Odd.

· Bond’s tongue is so precise. Temperatures and original vintages. And to think prior to Daniel Craig, he never provides any oral sex to his bedfellows. Tsk.

· M very pleased that Bond is not an expert in diamonds is funny. M is so agitated with Bond. Like he and Q must’ve been just ripping the guy since HIS WIFE WAS MURDERED AFTER HIS WEDDING!

· Nice voice over for the failures of all this security.

· Wint and Kidd. Keeping with Fleming’s disdain for gay people. But a scorpion death is always inventive.

· Diamond tracker: workers drill diamonds out the ground, go to dentist who collects them and pays off workers, dentist should give diamonds to Joe but Joe has been eliminated by Wint/Kidd so they take them, and not diamonds given to guy who is concerned for safety enough to have a gun but not to check package. Wint/Kidd have diamonds.

· Bond’s objective: who is stockpiling diamonds?

· Diamond tracker: Wint/Kidd give diamonds to older teacher.

· M still giving Bond the business for a reasonable question in my opinion.

· Well, hello! Moneypenny is in the field.

· Oh Moneypenny would like a diamond ring. She is flirting with the guy who recently SAW HIS WIFE MURDERED. NOT COOL!

· Not enough time with the hovercraft.

· Skinny bridge story is pretty awesome.

· Diamond tracker: Mrs. Whistler is dead. Diamond whereabouts are unknown.

· “Franks, Peter Franks.” That’s just an unusual way to communicate one’s name. He should stop that to make this stick.

· Tiffany Case. Funny…you get it?

· Blonde to brunette. “Providing the collars and cuffs match…”

o It only landed recently (in the last 5 years) what that meant and I was stunned how bold that was.

· “Diamonds Are Forever” playing softly in the background is nice.

· Q is able to make fake fingerprints on a whim?! He is brilliant and I can understand why Q is always pissed that Bond is just so carefree.

· Note the staffers loading missiles into the Aston Martin in the background.

· Peter Franks escaped. If I were Bond, I would let M know that this incompetence isn’t appreciated.

· Bond adopts a crap accent but it appears to work. He also smashed the glass first which doesn’t make any sense if he needs to surprise Franks.

· Elevator fight is pretty darn good. Franchise has been chasing the From Russia With Love fight for a while and this comes pretty close to making it work

· Playboy card — I see you 1970s.

· Also, superspy James Bond is well known James Bond.

· Diamond tracker: Mrs. Whistler gave the diamonds to Tiffany Case. Diamonds are now in Peter Franks

· See the disgust when a gay man mentions a woman can be attractive? What a societal trainwreck but accurate to the times I am sure.

· LAX and of course that restaurant is in the background.

· Another Felix Leiter. Meh.

· “Alamentary Dr. Leiter.” — In the digestive tract. Up the rear end, folks.

· And suddenly we are in an American gangster movie.

· Not going to lie to you: I thought that Mr. Slumber was a successful Blofeld body double because he is sufficiently English and has a similar look.

· Diamond Tracker: Bond has the diamonds and is getting straight cash money for them. Turnover: old man winter has the diamonds now.

· Every time I watch this movie I cannot remember how Bond escapes. It’s so dire and serious. Also it reminds me that cremation in the casket is a waste of money.

· So the smugglers are pissed they don’t have the real stuff and he definitely has fake money so they let him just walk away without interrogating him or anything? Really weird protocol.

· Diamond tracker: the real diamonds are, well, some where in Las Vegas because they just arrived.

· White dinner jacket is a good look with the tuxedo.

· Willard Whyte is clearly a reference to Howard Hughes.

· Shady Tree and the Acorns: 1-star performance. Probably because he hasn’t changed his act in 40 years.

· Technical question: is WW who appears to be Blofeld in the silliest twist a body double? Because if he just saw James Bond, as Franks, I imagine he would try to kill him ASAP.

· “I’m afraid you caught me with more than my hands up.” is one of the best lines of the movie.

· Diamond Tracker: CIA has the diamonds and will give them up to Tiffany Case via a rigged game in a stuffed dog.

· “Blow up your pants” – not the best line.

· Guy falling from a height: not impressive.

· Bond movie is showing every inch of Circus Circus to an eager audience. Too much time spent here for me.

· Ahhh yes, creating a kid stamped for fun. What could possibly go wrong?

· Serious story about Plenty O’Toole and the “wig in the pool: That is actress Lana Wood tied to that block. They cut the reason why she came to the house so it makes NO sense in the context of the movie why she is dead. But she was really tied to that block and almost drowned because the block kept sliding down and she couldn’t untie herself in one of the takes. Yikes!

· Diamond Tracker: Airport locker and in the hands of Burt Saxby and now in the possession of Dr. Metz

· “Keep leaning on that tooter Charlie and you’re gonna get a shot in the mouth.” – Tiffany Case’s best line.

· Sneaky Bond is finally here doing some work. Second time he has used the “oh I was just going in but the door is already open.”

· Klaus Hergersheimer – Employee of the Month

· Sean Connery is letting that accent slip all over the place.

· For a movie that I am not the biggest fan of, the Hergersheimer bit is some of his best spy work.

· And lets use our movie to take a shot at moon landing conspiracy artists! And of course the astronauts are going to stick with the bit and move in slow motion.

· This lunar rover car chase is awful.

· One day an evil villain will hire better drivers to handle situations like this.

· The score of this chase is also really bad.

· Old Las Vegas strip is looking really lively. And this chase is pretty solid with everyone standing on the sidewalk.

· I love how the breaks for police cars suddenly do not work.

· Who knew the Las Vegas sheriff was a precursor to J.W. Pepper?

· Goes in driver side up…comes out driver side down. That James Bond is some driver. That editor is not up to par.

· Sleeping on an aquarium bed looks cool and incredibly uncomfortable. I would much rather have an aquarium wall.

· And now we know why you can’t open hotel windows any more…this guy.

· Casually standing on an elevator is always a dapper move.

· This rappelling about outside the Whyte House is pretty freaking great.

· Golden toilet paper. Ok. Cameras to watch action downstairs? Cool. Cameras in the bathroom? That’s a bit perverse.

· The no railed staircase is as iconic for villain as is the Nehru suit

· This movie was mostly about diamond smuggling and we haven’t discussed that for a long time.

· Very clever of Bond to see who the cat would jump to.

· One thing I love is the extent to which Bond is a concerned spy here in the lift. Expecting a trap door and being surprised its not there just to get gassed.

· That perfume bursting on Bond’s suit is never going to escape the bear like nose of 007.

· Buried alive for the second time.

· Roger Moore would’ve been much more convincing talking to a mouse

· The World Is Not Enough will revisit this pipeline work

· Felix doesn’t need to jump in and spilling the beans on where the summer house is. Shut up!

· Oxford comma alert!!! “Maxwell James and I are heading to the house” isn’t the same as “Maxwell, James and I are heading to the house.”

· Bond is awfully casual with everything on the line. It’s not as if he is sneaking around as much as he is wandering.

· LISTEN TO THAT BOND THEME ON THE SITAR! SOUNDS SO GOOD. I WISH I COULD GET THAT AS AN ALARM.

· Bambi and Thumper are gonna have a ball. Gymnastics and dancing and crappy fighting. I hate this scene.

· Now who is this charming southern gentleman? Jimmy Dean! Yes, of the breakfast sausage fame.

· How does Bert Saxby know to go and kill WW? Never understood that.

· Tiffany Case begins to turn into a suddenly useless person. Disappointing given where we started.

· Blofeld escapes by walking out dressed as a woman. Okay.

· I do like WW going off on Tom: “Well get him on the phone, now!”

· Diamond Tracker: Metz put them in a satellite, satellite in orbit. Diamonds in space. Where is Moonraker 5?

· I know villains usually don’t get to enact their plans. Blofeld attacked and destroyed a missile at a Strategic Air Command and a USSR submarine with awful explosion footage. And another base in “Red China”. That’s a big deal.

· Baja California. How convenient of Bond to simply say that?

· Describing submarines taking position like impotent beach boys flexing their muscles is brilliant. +2 for Blofeld

· Austin Powers fans will note the voice of the countdown person in mission control. It’s spoofed pretty hard from this movie.

· How does Bond know he is walking the right way to the oil rig?

· I thought Blofeld was going to break the tape in this conversation but he just threw it down. Now, an explanation of how the plan works

· Ok that satellite is doesn’t move that quickly.

· Two shots at the US: Kansas and NYC. Well done. +1

· Blofeld allowing Bond to walk up to the tape deck is awful. Inexcusable. Not clever. -3

· Allowing Bond to untie the balloon? Lazy. -2

· Who does Willard Whyte think he is? Draco?

· “No Pollution. Not Any.” – eco-conscious I guess. At least for an oilrig.

· Blofeld’s battle submarine looks like something out of Daft Punk’s “One More Time” music video

· Great dive by Bond.

· Special effects on the oil rig look solid at the end.

· Kidd and Wint! Outliving the main villain.

· Mr. Kidd is definitely alive thought severely burned.

· Mr. Wint…not so much.

· Bond in a boat with a woman to end the movie…not original.

So there you go. Our most American Bond movie to date pretty much didn’t work for me. Some good pieces but the Willard Whyte stuff was a bit clunky. No cleverness towards the end and things were simply too convenient to wrap up the film. See my updated rankings below:

1) From Russia With Love

2) Goldfinger

3) OHMSS

4) Dr. No

5) YOLT

6) Diamonds Are Forever

7) Thunderball